Book: Never Split The Difference - Chris Voss
Negotiating like a psychopath.
How much better could your life be if you knew how to negotiate? Every single interaction in your life is a negotiation on some level, and most of us stumble and mumble our way into and out of negotiations, hoping to not get horribly ripped off in the process.
Enter Chris Voss and his book “Never Split The Difference”. Voss is a former FBI lead hostage negotiator, who spent 24 years on the job negotiating with terrorists and criminals. This is the playbook that was created as a result of those difficult lessons that were learned when the traditional negotiation techniques failed. Voss argues that the traditional approach to negotiations, such as haggling and trying to win concessions, are ineffective and prone to backfire. Instead, he recommends using empathy, curiosity, and other psychological tactics to gain an advantage in the negotiation process.
The book.
Most of the source material here comes from the book "Never Split The Difference”, by Chris Voss. We’ll focus on techniques you can start using right now to improve your negotiation skills today. Next time you find yourself snapping off the windshield wiper of your neighbour’s car and threatening to insert it into a nearby pedestrian because their dog has once again defecated on your lawn, take a deep breath and realise that you are in the middle of a negotiation and you can, and should, do better.
But why this book?
So why should you give a toss about negotiating with terrorists? Sure your mother-in-law may behave like a deranged criminal at times, taking your child hostage and making all sorts of unreasonable demands of you. But other than that one specific situation, could this book really help with the mundane, day-to-day interactions and negotiations that fill your day?
According to Voss' theory of negotiation, effective negotiation takes place on the emotional, rather than the rational, level of the brain. Voss contends that your duty as a negotiator is to cultivate and demonstrate empathy towards your counterpart by becoming aware of their feelings, learning to see things from their perspective, and finally persuading them to feel at ease enough with you to lower their emotional guard and begin to trust you. Every negotiation can be improved by understanding the emotional state of yourself and your counterpart. You can use these techniques to negotiate a better salary, a better deal on a car or even a more harmonious relationship with your romantic partner.
If you find this humble sketch interesting, please go get the book and start negotiating to get what you deserve.
The New Rules
The techniques described here have been developed through decades of experience in the FBI. They were refined through a long and messy iterative process. They work on terrorists, criminals and even your mother-in-law.
People who are steeped in traditional theoretical knowledge of how to negotiate would typically construct elaborate scripts to follow, with predetermined actions, offers and counteroffers to get to an outcome that would be considered mediocre at best for both parties. Many of the negotiating techniques established through the 1980s were focused on trying to take the emotion out of the negotiation and treat each party as a rational actor working towards a common goal. The absurdity of this approach can be summed up in the words of Daniel Kahneman,
“[I]t is self-evident that people are neither fully rational nor completely selfish, and that their tastes are anything but stable.”
Humans are plagued by cognitive biases that distort the way we see the world. As Kahneman codified in his book “Thinking, Fast and Slow” we have two systems of thought: System 1 is fast, instinctive and emotional. System 2 is slow, deliberate and logical. The outcome of Kahneman’s analysis is that System 1 is far more influential than we’d like to admit.
Nearly all negotiations are driven by System 1. They are emotionally driven, dynamic interactions, which explains why the traditional negotiation techniques were ultimately doomed to stumble around in the dark, blind to the emotional forces at play.
What is really needed for successful negotiation is tactical empathy. Think of it as listening taken to the level of a martial art, balancing emotional intelligence with assertive skills of influence to gain access to the other person’s mind and understand what is really going on.
Life is negotiation whether you like it or not.
Negotiation serves two functions: information gathering and behaviour influencing. It is communication with results. Almost every interaction in your life at some level will be a negotiation. It is the heart of collaboration, making conflict meaningful and productive for all parties. The steps outlined here will help you to accept the role of negotiation in your life and teach you how to approach it in a more productive and positive way.
Discovery.
How well do you really know the person that you are negotiating with? Can you confidently assess what their true motivation is? The best negotiators will work to understand the true nature of their counterpart. They will challenge the presumptions that other people accept blindly or arrogantly. As a result, they remain mentally flexible to the changing negotiating environment and are more emotionally open to other possibilities.
People who see negotiation as a conflict end up being overpowered by their own thoughts. The act of negotiating should be viewed as a journey of discovery, not conflict. Your aim needs to be to find out as much information as you can. Make the other person and what they have to say your full and total focus. Silence the voices in your head and actively listen. Your objective is to determine what your opponent genuinely needs and to make them feel secure enough to express their desires. Making the negotiation about the other person, acknowledging their feelings, and establishing enough trust and safety to allow for a genuine conversation to start are the first steps to a successful negotiation. Once you are engaged in the dance of negotiation don’t move too quickly as people may feel as though they are not being heard and you run the risk of damaging the connection and trust that has been developed.
Tone of voice.
What tone of voice should you use during negotiations? In general there are three voice tones that can be used depending on the situation:
Late-night FM DJ voice: use this sparingly to emphasise a point. Lower your voice while maintaining a calm, steady tone. When done correctly, you project a sense of authority and reliability without setting off a defensive response.
The upbeat/playful voice: Use this as your default. It sounds like the voice of a laid-back and good-natured person. The trick in this situation is to remain calm and smile while speaking.
Direct or assertive voice: Rarely use as this will typically lead to issues and push back from your counterpart.
Remember - the simple things do work. Put a smile on your face. People think faster and are more willing to collaborate and solve problems when they are in a positive frame of mind. Both you and your opponent will be more mentally agility when you are positive. As long as you establish safety by using a tone of voice that indicates "I'm okay, you're okay, let's figure this out," you can be very direct with your negotiation partner.
Be A Mirror.
So you are now in the middle of a negotiation and you are listening, on your voyage of discovery, and you are making the other person feel safe, relaxed and positive. The conversation is stalling. Time to consider mirroring.
Mirroring is hilarious because it sounds so easy and ridiculous that you’ll feel like an idiot trying it. But it does work. Repeat the last three (or the most important one to three) words that were just said. This encourages the other person to carry on and reveal more. Humans are naturally drawn to what is similar and avoid what is unfamiliar. Hearing their own words back through mirroring helps people connect and keeps the conversation going. It’ll buy you time to think, and it will push your adversaries to reveal more than they planned to. Make sure you leave at least a four second pause to let the mirror do its work and get the person talking.
With just these basic tools at your disposal - listening, focusing on discovery, controlling your tone of voice, mirroring and pausing - you are now a much more capable and likely to get closer to what you want from a negotiation.
Tactical Empathy.
Label their pain.
Tactical empathy involves being able to hear what is behind another person's sentiments and mindset so that you can have more influence. It can focus your attention to both potential solutions and the emotional barriers to reaching an agreement. If you can really focus in your attention on someone's face, gestures, and voice tone it will allow you to better understand what they are thinking and feeling. Once you’ve identified their feelings it is time to label them.
Labeling is a technique for recognising and affirming someone else's emotion. By giving a person's emotion a name, you can demonstrate that you understand how they are feeling. Labeling will help you get close to a person when you don’t know much about them. The key to identifying feelings is to pay close attention to the changes that occur when your counterpart reacts to your words.
Once you’ve identified and labeled an emotion, call it out loud. Labels may be formulated as questions or assertions. The only distinction is whether you inflect the sentence upward or downward. No matter how they end, labels nearly always begin with some version of “It sounds like”, “It seems like” or “It looks like”. Silence is the final labeling rule. After you've called a label out, keep silent and pay attention.
People's emotions can be divided into two categories:
"presenting", which is what you can see and hear, and
"underlying", which is what is actually driving the behaviour. When labeling, great negotiators will address the underlying emotions.
Calling out something negative reduces its impact, and in extreme cases will defuse them. If a positive emotion is labeled it will strengthen its influence. The quickest and most effective way to build a good negotiating relationship is to label the negative and address it then and there. Put yourself in the shoes of your opponent. If you acknowledge the other person’s situation they know that they have been heard. They will invariably tell you something useful once they notice that you are paying attention.
When starting a negotiation focus initially on removing the obstacles to agreement since the reasons a counterpart will not reach a deal with you are frequently more compelling than the reasons they will. Denying obstacles or harmful influences gives them legitimacy. Bring them out into the open and let them breathe. And then pause. Let it soak in after you name a barrier or reflect a message. Don’t worry - the other party will break the awkward silence.
One really fun thing to do right out of the gates is to list the worst things the other person could say about you straight away. Calling out these allegations will inspire the other person to assert that the complete opposite is true because they frequently sound overdone when spoken.
Keep in mind that the person you are interacting with wants to be respected and understood so use labels accordingly to support and promote positive dynamics and perceptions.
Don’t trust “Yes”. Get excited for “No”.
Antagonizing the other side by insisting on a "Yes" doesn't help a negotiation. It will nearly always be counterproductive and result in the deal collapsing at a later stage.
It may not be obvious but "No" gives you and the other side the opportunity to define what you actually want, by getting out of the way what you don't want. When your counterpart says "No," that’s when the negotiation can really begin.
“No” can mean many different things. For example:
I am not ready to agree;
You are making me feel uncomfortable;
I do not understand;
I don’t think I can afford it;
I want something else;
I need more information; or
I want to talk it over with someone else.
When confronted with a "No", ask solution-based questions: “What about this doesn’t work for you?” “What would you need to make it work?” “It seems like there’s something here that bothers you.” People will naturally want to say “No” so they can feel somewhat secure and in control, so get them to say it right away rather than just hoping to hear it eventually.
Let’s have a look at the different types of “Yes” responses and what they can mean:
Counterfeit;
Confirmation; and
Commitment.
A counterfeit "Yes" is one in which your opponent intends to respond "No," but feels "Yes" is a simpler way out or simply wants to continue the conversation to get additional knowledge or some other kind of advantage.
A confirmation "Yes" is typically harmless, a reflexive reaction to a binary inquiry. Occasionally, it's used to set up a trap, but most of the time, it's just a basic affirmation without a commitment to take any particular action.
The commitment "Yes" is what you are after; it is an actual agreement that results in action. A "Yes" at the table that is followed by an actual signature on the contract. You want a commitment "Yes," but all three can sound similar so you need to work on understanding which “Yes” you just heard.
You can be certain that everyone you encounter is motivated by two fundamental desires, the need to feel safe and secure and the need to feel in control. If you can satisfy these desires they will let you in. Saying “No” helps people feel they can protect themselves and have some control over the negotiation. It brings the real issues forward, slowing things down to allow people to embrace their decisions.
If the other party simply won’t say “No”, then chances are you are dealing with someone who is confused, conflicted or has a hidden agenda.
Sometimes coercing your counterpart into saying "No" is the only way to get them to listen to and connect with you. That entails purposefully mislabeling one of their feelings or desires or posing an absurd question that can only elicit a negative response, such as, "It seems like you want this project to fail." If a prospective business partner is ignoring you, ask a direct and succinct "No"-oriented question to let them know you're prepared to give up on the deal. It works wonders to ask, "Have you given up on this project?"
That’s right.
A powerful step towards getting your confirmation “Yes”, is getting your counterpart to say the words “That’s right”. Before you can persuade your opponent to see what you're attempting to achieve, you must speak these words. Work hard for it. Breakthroughs in negotiations occur when both parties say "that's right."
In order to get a "that's right," use a summary. A label and paraphrasing are the foundation of a strong summary. Summarise how the world is according to the other person by actively listening. Label it, rephrase it, and emotionally affirm it through the summary to get them to the all important “that’s right”. It will make them feel understood and let them know you are both on the same page.
Bend Their Reality
So to recap: you are listening intently, focusing on discovery, controlling your tone of voice, mirroring and pausing. You are wary of any “Yes” responses and excited to find “No” responses as these push the negotiation along. You are summarising and working to get them to say “that’s right.” Now let’s bend their reality.
Fairness
"Fair" is the most powerful word in negotiations. You should work to earn a reputation as a fair negotiator. If you are not getting a deal that you think is reasonable, consider using the word “fair”. Your counterpart will want to be considered fair and will work to be seen as such.
Anchor Their Emotions
Begin with an accusation audit that takes all of their anxieties into account. Label their worst fears. By anchoring their emotions in anticipation of a loss, you trigger the other side's loss aversion, causing them to rush at the chance to prevent it. Whatever you ask for after this never seems anywhere near as bad.
Let The Other Guy Go First … Most of The Time
When negotiating on price, calling out the first number may not always be the wisest move. It sometimes pays to let the opposing side lead a financial negotiation. I’ve been in plenty of situations where the opposing sides' opening offer was more than what I had expected. By letting them anchor, you may get lucky. It is worth noting though that when you let the other party anchor, you must exercise caution. In order to resist the first offer, you must be ready mentally. If the other guy knows what he is doing, he will try to bend your reality by using an extreme anchor. Again this is something I’ve done a number of times when buying through online marketplaces. By low-balling a price it will anchor the person so that when you come back up to the price you want to pay it will seem much more reasonable, and make the counter party feel like they’ve had a win.
Establish a Range
When asked to state your terms or price, respond by recounting a similar deal that established your ballpark figure. Say something like, "At companies like this, people in this job get between $160,000 and $210,000," as opposed to, "I'm worth $160,000." It gets the message across without putting the opposing side on the defensive.
Pivot to Non-Monetary Terms
Switching to non-monetary terms is one of the simplest methods to influence your counterpart's reality and support what you are chasing in the deal. After anchoring them high, you can appear reasonable with your offer by including items that don't matter to you but might matter to them. You could also ask for items that are more important to you than what they are offering, if their offer is low. Use your imagination and figure out what else could work in the deal.
When You Do Talk Numbers, Use Odd Ones
Round numbers sound like guesstimates that can be easily waived off. There is something about specific and odd numbers that catches your counterpart’s attention. Use specific and odd numbers, like $23,193, and it will sound like the number was arrived at after careful consideration.
How to Negotiate a Better Salary
Well I’m sure nearly everyone here is really trying to muster up the courage to ask for a pay rise. Inflation is crushing you against the dead weight of ever increasing interest rates. What better time than now to try and get a better salary.
When negotiating for a better salary, in addition to the five techniques outlined above, consider the following:
i. Be Pleasantly Persistent on Non-Salary Terms
Pleasant persistence is a type of emotional anchoring that fosters empathy with the boss and develops the psychological conditions for good communication. The more non-salary terms you discuss, the more probable it is that you will hear all of their possibilities. For example, request more vacation time or flexible work arrangements.
ii. Make sure salary terms and success terms are defined
After you've agreed on a pay rise, be sure to specify what success looks like for your job position and the criteria for your next raise. If you don’t get the pay rise you were after, ask what it would take to get to it and define the terms of success. This way, next time there is a review you can point to how you’ve met their terms of success.
iii. Spark Their Interest in Your Success and Gain an Unofficial Mentor
Sell yourself to a manager as more than just a machine for a job. Present yourself and your success as a means for them to confirm their own intelligence as managers. Make sure they understand that you will serve as a real-life justification for their importance. They will be invested in your success once you have altered their reality to include you as their representative.
A few final considerations:
It is important to not compromise as meeting halfway often leads to deals that are bad for both sides.
Deadlines are arbitrary lines in the sand, used to encourage the negotiation to be rushed. Don’t react impulsively to deadlines.
Consider deploying the word “fair” in the negotiations, and how you will respond if it is used on you.
Anchor their reality by warning them about how they are not going to like the offer. Their imagination will run away with what the offer may end up being, so that when you finally give a number it may not seem that bad. Make sure the first number is an extreme anchor to them, so that when you arrive at your final number it will seem more reasonable.
People are naturally loss-averse. Make them understand what they will lose through inaction. This will push them closer to your desired position.
Create the Illusion of Control
The power of calibrated questions.
Instead of starting a confrontation by telling your counterpart what the problem is, calibrated questions can help them understand your problem and work towards solving it for you. Calibrated questions should be used early and often. It gives the other person the illusion of control but allows you to frame the discussion.
Here are some great examples of calibrated questions you can use in your negotiations to give the other person the illusion of control and help you frame the discussion:
What is the biggest challenge you face?
What is it that brought us into this situation?
What about this is important to you?
How can I help to make this better for us?
How would you like me to proceed?
How can we solve this problem?
What’s the objective?
What are we trying to accomplish here?
How am I supposed to do that?
Controlling your emotions.
Even with the best negotiation plan, you need to control your emotions if you want to have any hope of getting the outcome you want. Biting your tongue is the first and most important rule of maintaining emotional composure. Once you’ve bitten your tongue, ask a calibrated question to disarm your counterpart. It’ll make them pause and consider your perspective.
People acquire what psychologists refer to as a hostage mindset when they feel out of control. They become defensive and lash out in times of conflict. It shuts down any chance of rational thought. The calibrated question gives them some space and the perception that they have control in the situation.
Avoid asking questions that can be answered with a simple "Yes" or with only a few details. Ask thoughtful questions with the words "How" or "What" at the beginning. This will encourage them to speak in detail and reveal all sorts of hidden information.
Don't ask questions that begin with "Why" unless you want your opponent to support a cause that benefits you. "Why" is nearly always perceived as an allegation. Work to get to the point where the calibrated question, leveled at your opponent, results in them working towards finding a solution for you. That is the power of the calibrated question. You frame the conversation, they see your perspective and work to solve your problem.
Guarantee Execution
You’ve arrived at the point in the negotiation where there is agreement. Now you need execution. To obtain both agreement and execution, a negotiator must dynamically and adaptively plan the verbal and nonverbal components of the negotiation. Remember, if we don’t have a “How”, the “Yes” we’ve obtained is meaningless. If you ask enough calibrated “How” questions, you’ll be able to read and influence the negotiation environment and obtain the answer you're looking for.
"How" questions are tactful and elegant methods to reject someone's proposal and help your opponent come up with a better solution—one that suits you. It encourages cooperation and gives your counterpart the impression that they were treated with respect. Your carefully calculated "How" questions will also help your opponent articulate the solution in your terms but make them believe it was their idea. And this is essential. When people believe a solution is their own, they always put forth more effort to implement it.
Watch out for two clear indications that your counterpart does not think the idea is their own. When someone says, "You're correct," it's frequently a sign that they have no stake in the solution. Be wary when someone says “I’ll try”. What they really mean is “I plan to fail”. If you hear either of these go back to the “How” questions until they specify the parameters of successful implementation in their own words. Once they do this summarise again and get them to say “That’s right”.
Here are a few more techniques for understanding and changing the mental state of your counterpart:
i. The 7-38-55 Percent Rule
Only 7% of a message is based on words, while 38% is based on tone of voice and 55% is based on the speaker's body language and face. Pay close attention to tone and body language to ensure they correspond to the literal meaning of the words. If they don't match, it's possible that the speaker is lying or isn't convinced. When someone's tone or body language does not match the meaning of the words they say, use labels to figure out what is off.
ii. The Rule of Three
Get the other person to agree to the same thing three times in the same conversation. The first agreement is the first time they agree to something or make a commitment to you. You could label or summarise what they said to get them to respond with "That's right" for the second agreement. The third agreement could be a calibrated "How" or "What" question about implementation, asking them to explain what success looks like, such as "What do we do if we get off track?"
iii. The Pinocchio Effect
It has been scientifically established that liars use more words than truth tellers and far more third-person pronouns. To put some distance between themselves and the lie, the liar will start talking about him, her, it, one, they, and their rather than I. Furthermore, liars tend to speak in longer sentences in order to win over their suspicious counterparts. The researchers dubbed this the Pinocchio Effect because, like the length of Pinocchio's nose, the number of words increases as the lie lengthened.
How to Get Your Counterparts to Bid Against Themselves.
If you say "No" by using "How" questions you can effectively get your counterparts to lower their demands. This indirect way of saying "No" will not silence your counterpart in the same way that a blunt "No" would. You can usually express "No" with “How” questions around four times before coming out and saying “No” directly.
"How am I supposed to do that?" is the first step in the "No" series. You must deliver it deferentially so that it becomes a request for assistance. When delivered properly, it invites the other side to participate in your problem and solve it with a better offer.
You can then use something like: “Your offer is very generous, I’m sorry, that just doesn’t work for me”. This response avoids making a counteroffer, and the word "generous" encourages your counterpart to live up to the title. The "I'm sorry" part of the response softens the "No" and increases empathy for your situation.
Then you can say, "I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I just can't do that." It's a little more direct, and the "can't do that" serves a dual purpose. Expressing your inability can elicit empathy from the other side. By the time you actually say no, it can be something like "I'm sorry, no". This barely sounds negative when delivered gently. Carefully deploying these questions and responses will get your counterpart to bid against themselves and work towards a better solution for you.
Bargain Hard
When you feel like you are being dragged into a deal you don’t like, redirect the conversation to the non-monetary issues that could make any final price work. You can do this directly by saying, "Let's put price aside for a moment and talk about what would make this a good deal," in an encouraging tone of voice. You could also approach it indirectly by asking, "What else could you offer to make that a good price for me?"
When a negotiation is going nowhere fast, you need to shake things up and try and break your opponent's fixed mindset. A correctly calibrated “Why” question can do this. When you want to get someone on your side, ask them, "Why would you do that?" and emphasis the “that” in the question. If you're trying to entice a client away from a competitor, you could say something like, "Why would you ever do business with me?" Why would you ever switch from your current supplier? They're incredible!" The "Why?" in these questions entices your counterpart to work for you.
Another effective way to set a boundary without escalating into confrontation is to use the first-person singular pronoun. When you say "I'm sorry, that doesn't work for me," you strategically focus your counterpart's attention on you long enough to make your point.
And remember, once you've determined your bottom line, you must be willing to walk away. Never be desperate for a deal. Your opponent will sniff out any desperation and run you into the ground. Know what you are willing to settle for and walk if it is the wrong deal.
The Ackerman Model
If you are someone who likes to have a bit of a formula for how to approach a negotiation then the Ackerman model can be a particularly effective offer-counter offer method. It is a system for overcoming the usual lackluster bargaining dynamic, and can help break out from the predictable meeting in the middle that occurs in most negotiations.
There are six steps:
Set your target price you want to pay;
Set your first offer at 65 percent of the target;
Calculate three raises of decreasing increments (to 85, 95, and 100 percent);
Use empathy and say “No” in different ways to get the other side to counter before you increase your offer;
When calculating the final amount, use precise, non-round numbers like, $37,893 rather than $38,000. It gives the number credibility and weight. It also genuinely sounds like they are getting your last dollar; and
On your final number, throw in a non-monetary item (that they probably don’t want) to show you’ve reached your limit.
If you are going to use the Ackerman model, figure out your extreme anchors, calibrated questions and other potential offers. If played right, your counterpart will feel like they’ve got everything out of you they could have, and you’ll walk away with a bargain.
Find the Black Swan.
Black Swans are pieces of knowledge that your counterpart has that, if revealed, might fundamentally alter the conversation and, eventually, the negotiation's outcome. The easiest method to find a Black Swan is to maintain your curiosity during every interaction. You want to approach the negotiation as if you have something to learn. This makes you focus more on what isn't being stated than what is. If the other side threatens, assaults, or makes absurd demands during a negotiation, you are less likely to become triggered and you will remain curious.
Before understanding how Black Swans impact a negotiation it is worth understanding the different types of leverage that they can present. There are three classifications of leverage: Positive, Negative, and Normative. Having positive leverage in negotiations means being able to give or refuse what your counterpart wants. You have the power. Negative leverage is what most people think of when they hear the word “leverage”. It's the capacity of your counterpart to put the screws on you. Normative leverage is utilizing the standards and norms of the opposite party to strengthen your position. You have normative clout if you can demonstrate discrepancies between their beliefs and their behaviour.
Now, how does this apply to a negotiation situation? Have you ever been negotiating with someone and what they are saying just doesn’t make sense? Chances are there is a Black Swan lurking just out of sight and with a bit of careful listening and calibrated questioning you might just bring it out of hiding and change the leverage of the negotiation. Here are some of the typical reasons why what your counterpart is saying does not make sense:
Mistake #1: They Are Ill-Informed
People who operate with insufficient information will undoubtedly appear insane to those who have more information. When faced with someone like this, your job is to figure out what they don't know and supply that information.
Mistake #2: They Are Constrained
If your counterpart is acting inconsistently, they may have things they can’t do and they are actively trying to hide this.
Mistake #3: They Have Other Interests
These people are simple acting on needs and desires that you do not yet comprehend.
Your known knowns, what you actually know, will guide you in a negotiation, but it is important not to let them blind you to other possibilities. Remember that every situation is unique. You must be adaptive when new information is presented. Try to comprehend the "religion" of the other side. Examining another person's viewpoint entails going beyond the negotiation table and getting to know them on a personal level. The Black Swans will reside there.
So when your boss sits you down for that dreaded yearly review, gets you on the hook for a paltry pay rise that doesn’t even keep up with inflation, takes your parking spot, moves you into a damper, darker part of the office, makes you undertake diversity training while you work 6-to-6, 8 days a week, you can take a deep breath, look him in the eye and start negotiating like your life depends on it, because it does.
Remember:
Life is negotiation whether you like it or not.
Think of negotiation as information gathering and behaviour influencing. It is communication with results.
Practice tactical empathy and give the person your total focus.
Think about the tone of voice you are using.
Mirroring is powerful. Use it to keep them talking to reveal more.
Use labeling to call out the underlying emotion. Call out the negative and let it breathe.
Be wary of getting a “Yes”. Is it counterfeit, confirmation or commitment? This can be the difference between securing the deal and having it fall flat on its face.
Embrace the “No” response, ask questions and find out what they don’t want.
Get them to say “That’s right”. You’ve summarised their position and they feel understood.
Consider how you can bend their reality, with anchoring, establishing a range and odd numbers.
Allow them to feel in control by asking calibrated “How” questions.
Control your emotions and avoid “Why” questions as these usually come off as accusations.
Say no by asking “How” questions, such as “How am I supposed to do that?”. It will make your counterpart lower their demands and work to find a solution for you.
If a person sounds crazy, or you can’t understand what is going on in the negotiation, there may be a Black Swan lurking in the background. Focus on your counterpart and ask calibrated questions to see if you can uncover normative, negative or positive leverage.
Action.
If you’ve enjoyed this go get the book here, read it and share it with your family and friends. Everyone can benefit from a more sophisticated approach to negotiation. The techniques and tactics described in the book are practical and can be applied to a wide range of negotiation situations. Get after it and go get a better deal.
If you’ve got any questions on this book or suggestions for any books you’d like to see summarised here hit me up on twitter @thedavidhart.
Next up in the Self As Lab series is “Overpowered: The Dangers of Electromagnetic Radiation and What You Can Do About It”, by Martin Blank. Electromagnetic radiation is produced by nearly every electronic device in our life now - basically anything that can communicate wirelessly. This book will highlight the potential dangers of exposure to even low levels of electromagnetic radiation and make you reconsider your relationship with your phone, Bluetooth headphones and the world of smart devices.
Thanks for reading.